I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
How all things should be taught/explained.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.