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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Autocarrot sucks!
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel