Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
You Might Also Like
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.