Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.