DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
bears
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*