Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The days of good grammer has went
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY