Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!