I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The Sun
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum