The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The news
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m a self-made hundredaire
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.