I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Teamwork makes the dream work.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*