You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*