Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges