My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Comparing yourself to others
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate