“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.