The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker