If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
notice
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
same energy