“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
subtitles are so good nowadays
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all