And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
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10. He is a cat.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.