Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Swedish for common sense.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
O Wise One….
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?