People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site