Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006