When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left