why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
first you must answer his riddles
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT