me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Match dot com, but for socks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job