Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
All is fair in drunk and war.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out