me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My inexpensive home security system…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.