My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
This made me chuckle cuz mood
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s