me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip