me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.