Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Breaking news:
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.