ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd