computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
You Might Also Like
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
He took my last fry, your honor
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube