I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I cannot stop laughing at this
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.