[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
The prophecy is fulfilled
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!