Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body