I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.