These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
c’mon!
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?