Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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The dark side of Canada
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.