I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
how much does a mortician urn in a year
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50