Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
lol
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.