Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
catch me on valentine’s day like
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great