Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”