relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me