[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.