snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You Might Also Like
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
pictures of spider-man
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them