Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
🤣🤣🤣
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣