Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?