Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
This is a bad sign
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Google assistant rules
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Seems kinda suspicious
Cashiers are always checking me out