Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
You Might Also Like
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend