If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.